Suthern Tawlk

Clay once said, "I have family who wouldn't spit in my mouth if my teeth were on fire."

I recently received this email, which made me recall some of the more colorful phrases my grandmothers and aunts used to use during their homilies.

These aren't exclusive to the south, although we do seem to have more than our fair share!

Disclaimer: No offense to bankers or lawyers. Nor pigs or skunks.

*Keep skunks, bankers and lawyers at a distance.
*Life is simpler when you plow *around* the stump.
*A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
*Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
*Meanness don't just happen overnight.
*There is no cure for stupid.
*Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
*Never corner something that you know is meaner than you.
*It don't take a very strong person to carry a grudge.
*You cannot unsay a cruel word.
*Every path has a few puddles.
*When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
*The best sermons are lived, not preached.
*Most of the stuff people worry about isn't never going happen anyway.
*Don't judge folks by their relatives.
*Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
*Don't interfere with something that isn't bothering you none.
*Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
*If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
*Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
*The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every morning.
*Always drink upstream from the herd.
*Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
*Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
*If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

I love those. Words of wisdom you would never learn in an institution of higher learning! Even ones found in the South.

I used to beg for things when I was a child, like most children do. Have you ever been told, "you need that like a hog needs a saddle!" or "you need that like a rooster needs a wheelbarrow!" I usually got confuzzled and forgot about whatever I was begging for.

My grandmother used to always describe people by their physical attributes. "She's been hit in the face with the ugly stick!" or "she looks like she's been rode hard and put up wet," or "he's meaner than a snake!"

I'm sure we all know someone who "don't have a lick of sense," or who is "dumb as a box of rocks." And have you ever been "drunker than Cootie Brown?"

My boss was always "busier than a one armed paper hanger," but I think he didn't know "doodley squat" about being busy.

Well, I'ma hafta carry myownself upstairs and get me a showah now, 'cause I'm afixin to go out tonight!

Thanks for readin'. I preeshate it!